I think that a blog update is long over due. I have been neglecting it but I haven't really had the time to bother with it. I guess you could say that things have changed a bit, and I have been focusing more on staying home with the kids instead of trying to run errands all the time to keep busy. I have picked up crafting, aside from the tutus I've made I started making tie blankets and I will be working on some other items too. I started up a little shop with my friend, Shona. It has brought me a couple of orders, nothing much but it's a start and it's nice to have something to do. I also started selling Tastefully Simple products and I'm hoping that will turn out to be an awesome opportunity. It's just now starting so it will take time to see how that ends up working out for me.
With me taking the time to stay home and just focus on staying with the kids just watching tv and spending time together instead of running errands I've noticed I have distanced myself more. Honestly, though, I don't mind it. I am focusing on my family and only them. I have removed anyone from my life who is into drama, who is negative, and who honestly isn't there for me. I have come to the realization that some people really aren't worth having around. I don't need anything additional on my plate, I have more than enough going on in my daily life to worry about other people's problems, or hostility.
You can't please everyone, and I pretty much feel that everyone else can kiss my ass, I need to make sure my kids are happy, my husband is happy, and I am happy. I can't concern myself with other people's feelings. I have always been someone who tries to be there for everyone, and it usually results in people fucking me over. I'm tired of it, and I won't tolerate it anymore. I have my family, and that's all that I need. I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, no, I would, I would prefer to have my husband home so that my family is together again. But I guess I just have to keep taking that one day at a time. Each day is one day closer to my husband coming home, but this count down is taking forever!
Making it through, day by day.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Slacking
I've been neglecting this blog lately. Actually I'm still neglecting a lot of things. Like right now I should be cleaning, but I'm taking down time instead. I have tons of school work I still need to do, and I've been slacking on that, and I have been for awhile.... I think it's a combination of a lack of motivation, and a lack of time.
I spent a majority of my week dealing with doctor appointments. Khloe had to go see her gastroenterologist, but it seems that her latest appointment has brought some relief and explanation to the issues she has been having. Hopefully she continues to make progress. Then she had her 6 month check up, she is still under weight, but growing, just very slow. And the doctor is addressing the issues with her eyes. So now she and Caiden will be going to see an ophthalmologist and I'm hoping that they will be able to do something to for her eyes because they are just getting worse and I feel so bad for my little baby.
And then I had to get an MRI, results came back clear, thankfully. At least that is one less thing to worry about.
Caiden is still Caiden, typical bad boy, not listening, defiant little monster that he is. I love him but he is driving me nuts he just loves to push my buttons. He's like his daddy, lol.
I'll update more later, for now, I need to clean some. I need to get something accomplished today! =/
I spent a majority of my week dealing with doctor appointments. Khloe had to go see her gastroenterologist, but it seems that her latest appointment has brought some relief and explanation to the issues she has been having. Hopefully she continues to make progress. Then she had her 6 month check up, she is still under weight, but growing, just very slow. And the doctor is addressing the issues with her eyes. So now she and Caiden will be going to see an ophthalmologist and I'm hoping that they will be able to do something to for her eyes because they are just getting worse and I feel so bad for my little baby.
And then I had to get an MRI, results came back clear, thankfully. At least that is one less thing to worry about.
Caiden is still Caiden, typical bad boy, not listening, defiant little monster that he is. I love him but he is driving me nuts he just loves to push my buttons. He's like his daddy, lol.
I'll update more later, for now, I need to clean some. I need to get something accomplished today! =/
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Another month down
I am so glad to see the month of August has ended, and September is here. I'm not sure what is going on lately but it really just seems that I am in a funk, and I can't get out of it.
I am overwhelmed, there is always so much to do, and there is never enough time to do it. I am so busy with the kids that I am falling behind with my school work, and I have realized that I really don't have time for me. Even if someone watches the kids, or takes just Caiden, I have so much to do I can't relax. I either have the house to clean, dishes to do, laundry to fold, the dog to take care of, or school work to do. I am so wrapped up in doing other things and worrying about maintaining my house that it seems like I don't even exist in my own life...if that makes any sense.
Caiden keeps me going all day, he is a ball of energy to say the least. Khloe is usually a happy, easy-going baby, but when she has her moments, things get so stressful. Beyond the fact that I have the random issues that come up with her. She woke up the other day screaming, I noticed her eye was swollen so off to the doctors we went. Three hours later that was handled, doctor says she has another eye infection, one more and she will have to see an eye doctor, she has dropped from the 25th percentile to the 15th percentile, her doctor thinks that it has to do with her not feeling well and not having much of an appetite (ignoring everything I have already addressed regarding Khloe's eating habits), so they want to follow up with that at her 6 month check up. That evening it's to the ER we go because Khloe hasn't ate throughout the day, the third time this has happened over the past few months, but her doctor attributes it to an eye infection, it's becoming so frustrating that no one is trying to help her. She has so much going on, but at least she is a generally happy baby.
Me? I'm ready to pull my hair out, I am ready for March, I am ready for this deployment to be over. I am ready to get this school work over and done with, I am ready to finally go to sleep at a normal hour, or be able to even take a shower in peace. I am ready to have time for me, and time to relax. And it doesn't seem that will happen anytime soon. I have seriously got to find a way to get my life into a normal routine, and I beg of you, September, please be kind, and please hurry the f up.
I am overwhelmed, there is always so much to do, and there is never enough time to do it. I am so busy with the kids that I am falling behind with my school work, and I have realized that I really don't have time for me. Even if someone watches the kids, or takes just Caiden, I have so much to do I can't relax. I either have the house to clean, dishes to do, laundry to fold, the dog to take care of, or school work to do. I am so wrapped up in doing other things and worrying about maintaining my house that it seems like I don't even exist in my own life...if that makes any sense.
Caiden keeps me going all day, he is a ball of energy to say the least. Khloe is usually a happy, easy-going baby, but when she has her moments, things get so stressful. Beyond the fact that I have the random issues that come up with her. She woke up the other day screaming, I noticed her eye was swollen so off to the doctors we went. Three hours later that was handled, doctor says she has another eye infection, one more and she will have to see an eye doctor, she has dropped from the 25th percentile to the 15th percentile, her doctor thinks that it has to do with her not feeling well and not having much of an appetite (ignoring everything I have already addressed regarding Khloe's eating habits), so they want to follow up with that at her 6 month check up. That evening it's to the ER we go because Khloe hasn't ate throughout the day, the third time this has happened over the past few months, but her doctor attributes it to an eye infection, it's becoming so frustrating that no one is trying to help her. She has so much going on, but at least she is a generally happy baby.
Me? I'm ready to pull my hair out, I am ready for March, I am ready for this deployment to be over. I am ready to get this school work over and done with, I am ready to finally go to sleep at a normal hour, or be able to even take a shower in peace. I am ready to have time for me, and time to relax. And it doesn't seem that will happen anytime soon. I have seriously got to find a way to get my life into a normal routine, and I beg of you, September, please be kind, and please hurry the f up.
Monday, August 29, 2011
An eventful week
So normally I bitch about how boring of a state Maryland is, this week it seems as if mother nature wanted to prove to me it's not always so boring. In the matter of a week we had an earthquake, the biggest one Maryland has seen, and the East Coast was hit by Hurricane Irene.
Now the earthquake freaked out a lot of people, even though it honestly wasn't a big earthquake, for Marylanders that was a huge deal. However, when the earthquake hit I was in my car and I just thought my car was idling high. Next thing I know my mom is calling and freaking out, cell phones end up not working, but of course Facebook still did. I think I've come to the conclusion that Facebook and survive the end of the world....Anyway, I had to go to the armory and make phone calls for emergency check-ins for the families of deployed soldiers, and I learned calling that many people is actually a lot of work.
And then two days ago we got to face Hurricane Irene, where I live it wasn't bad. Last I heard the death count was up to 25, and there are a lot of people without power, water; there are roads flooded, roads closed, downed trees and power lines. Fortunately, my house still has power, even though none of my family does.
On another non-weather related note, Caiden got to video chat with his daddy last night. He has started this thing where he says that his daddy is the best, so while chatting with Kenny he looked at him and informed him that "Daddy best", he's such a cutie when he wants to be. And then of course he continued to ask for his daddy to come home, my poor baby just misses his daddy. Hopefully daddy will be home sooner rather than later.
Now the earthquake freaked out a lot of people, even though it honestly wasn't a big earthquake, for Marylanders that was a huge deal. However, when the earthquake hit I was in my car and I just thought my car was idling high. Next thing I know my mom is calling and freaking out, cell phones end up not working, but of course Facebook still did. I think I've come to the conclusion that Facebook and survive the end of the world....Anyway, I had to go to the armory and make phone calls for emergency check-ins for the families of deployed soldiers, and I learned calling that many people is actually a lot of work.
And then two days ago we got to face Hurricane Irene, where I live it wasn't bad. Last I heard the death count was up to 25, and there are a lot of people without power, water; there are roads flooded, roads closed, downed trees and power lines. Fortunately, my house still has power, even though none of my family does.
On another non-weather related note, Caiden got to video chat with his daddy last night. He has started this thing where he says that his daddy is the best, so while chatting with Kenny he looked at him and informed him that "Daddy best", he's such a cutie when he wants to be. And then of course he continued to ask for his daddy to come home, my poor baby just misses his daddy. Hopefully daddy will be home sooner rather than later.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Survived another day
Well the past couple of days have been so back and forth, it's crazy. I had a few rough days, but it seems that things have started to look up more within the past couple of days, thankfully.
I went to the doctors for a follow -up on the headaches that I have been having, and there has been no improvement with the medication I was put on. So my doctor feels it is best for me to get an MRI and an MRA because aneurysms run in my family and she would rather be safe than sorry, so once Tri-Care approves my referral I have to schedule an appointment with a neurologist at John Hopkins. Unfortunately, with Kenny being gone, it makes the situation that much more difficult. I have to find someone to watch Caiden and Khloe while I go, and I'm very limited on choices. Basically if anyone in my family helps me, they have to take a day off of work to watch them, which will still leave me having to do all of this alone. I mean, I'm not scared, I try not to worry about things until I know exactly what's going on, but I mean, really, that's not something someone should have to do alone. But I guess that's what happens when you lose the support of people you thought would be there for you. It's a shitty situation, but at least I know through this deployment who the few people are I can truly count on.
Then at the doctors I had to get an EKG, and do a breathing test. Their EKG machine messed up, so I'm not sure if I have to do that again. And I had to get a lot of blood drawn for them to run, because of my family history being filled with health issues they want to test my blood for anything that they can as a precaution.
The past couple of days though I have been able to talk to Kenny a lot more, which picks up my moods. I'd be a lot happier if my kids were on better sleep schedules, and I really think that the lack of sleep isn't helping my headaches either. I've got hopefully 6ish months to go, and I pray it doesn't take them that long to cooperate with me.
The kids however are asleep early, so its time to walk the dog, do a little school work and try to relax some.
I went to the doctors for a follow -up on the headaches that I have been having, and there has been no improvement with the medication I was put on. So my doctor feels it is best for me to get an MRI and an MRA because aneurysms run in my family and she would rather be safe than sorry, so once Tri-Care approves my referral I have to schedule an appointment with a neurologist at John Hopkins. Unfortunately, with Kenny being gone, it makes the situation that much more difficult. I have to find someone to watch Caiden and Khloe while I go, and I'm very limited on choices. Basically if anyone in my family helps me, they have to take a day off of work to watch them, which will still leave me having to do all of this alone. I mean, I'm not scared, I try not to worry about things until I know exactly what's going on, but I mean, really, that's not something someone should have to do alone. But I guess that's what happens when you lose the support of people you thought would be there for you. It's a shitty situation, but at least I know through this deployment who the few people are I can truly count on.
Then at the doctors I had to get an EKG, and do a breathing test. Their EKG machine messed up, so I'm not sure if I have to do that again. And I had to get a lot of blood drawn for them to run, because of my family history being filled with health issues they want to test my blood for anything that they can as a precaution.
The past couple of days though I have been able to talk to Kenny a lot more, which picks up my moods. I'd be a lot happier if my kids were on better sleep schedules, and I really think that the lack of sleep isn't helping my headaches either. I've got hopefully 6ish months to go, and I pray it doesn't take them that long to cooperate with me.
The kids however are asleep early, so its time to walk the dog, do a little school work and try to relax some.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Killing Time
Today was eventful. I spent the day with my niece, sister and my two babies and attempted to make tutus for the girls. I've never done them before, the first one was a pain in the ass trying to get it done, but the second one was done a lot faster once I figured out the best way for me to do it. I don't think they came out too bad especially for my first attempts. They want to wear them to Khloe's first birthday because her party will probably be a pretty & pirouette basis. Yes I know, my daughter is 5 months old and I am looking into stuff for her first birthday, but kiss my butt it gives me something to look forward to.
One awesome thing of today is I got a sneak peek of what Khloe's dress for Kenny coming home is going to look like, and I am so excited to get it. And for her to be able to wear it :)
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment, lots of blood work to get done and possibly seeing if I need to get an MRI done...definitely not looking forward to that.
I'm still finding the motivation to get things done. I need to really start back up on my school work, but with Caiden's horrible sleep schedule, by the time he's done for the day, I just want to sleep, and school work is the last thing on my mind. And I really need to clean, but I hate doing that no matter what. I just don't know how to get my ass in gear and get Caiden back in check so that I can do what I need to do! Any suggestions? Cause I'm at a total loss with it.
One awesome thing of today is I got a sneak peek of what Khloe's dress for Kenny coming home is going to look like, and I am so excited to get it. And for her to be able to wear it :)
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment, lots of blood work to get done and possibly seeing if I need to get an MRI done...definitely not looking forward to that.
I'm still finding the motivation to get things done. I need to really start back up on my school work, but with Caiden's horrible sleep schedule, by the time he's done for the day, I just want to sleep, and school work is the last thing on my mind. And I really need to clean, but I hate doing that no matter what. I just don't know how to get my ass in gear and get Caiden back in check so that I can do what I need to do! Any suggestions? Cause I'm at a total loss with it.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
One of those days
Today started off great, I went to my sister's and was able to celebrate my niece's birthday, hard to believe she will be 11 yrs old tomorrow! Time flies....
I got to talk to my hubby for awhile, and we haven't been able to talk much over the past week, he's been busy and things are crazy at our house when he gets down time. And that is what absolutely made my day. I hate not being able to talk to him, I know we can't control it, but it sucks.
I accomplished grocery shopping....lots, and lots of food. And came home to temper tantrum children, which really makes it difficult when I need to put groceries away, do dishes, make dinner, and take the dog out. It seems as if they both love to have their fits at the same time. I got Caiden a soda at the store (Sierra Mist, lol) and let him have it when we got home. I decided to let him drink it straight from the bottle, but he had to stay in the kitchen, and he didn't agree with that. He started screaming and just wouldn't stop. Finally he did, I gave him back his drink, explained he had to stay in the kitchen, and right back into the temper tantrum he went. He got mad when he couldn't go out back to walk the dog.
Khloe just has her random fits, but I usually attribute that to her acid re-flux acting up and bothering her. There really isn't much I can do for her, and I feel bad, but it can be so exhausting and heart breaking. I wish I could help her, the medications only do so much. Luckily she will be going back to Hopkins within the month for another follow up.
I think I'm honestly just exhausted. Since Kenny left Caiden's sleep schedule is so bad, he doesn't go to sleep until midnight-1 am, and then I am up late because I still have school work to do. And Khloe wakes up early so I don't get much sleep and it takes its toll on me some days more than others. I think today is one of those days.
And of course I come home and am having computer issues. My computer for the past two days will only start up when it is plugged into the charger, it is under warranty, but it is such a hassle to go out with my two kids to try and get issues addressed. I'm not a happy camper about that. I need a functioning computer to be able to talk to my husband, and I take classes on line. I hope that it's just a bad battery but I have no clue, and with my luck it's probably something that will require my computer to be completely replaced.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now it's starting to storm, so I'm going to hop off of here in case I lose power, then I will really not be happy.
Oh, and be sure to check out my support page for deployments:
http://www.facebook.com/HomefrontSupport
I got to talk to my hubby for awhile, and we haven't been able to talk much over the past week, he's been busy and things are crazy at our house when he gets down time. And that is what absolutely made my day. I hate not being able to talk to him, I know we can't control it, but it sucks.
I accomplished grocery shopping....lots, and lots of food. And came home to temper tantrum children, which really makes it difficult when I need to put groceries away, do dishes, make dinner, and take the dog out. It seems as if they both love to have their fits at the same time. I got Caiden a soda at the store (Sierra Mist, lol) and let him have it when we got home. I decided to let him drink it straight from the bottle, but he had to stay in the kitchen, and he didn't agree with that. He started screaming and just wouldn't stop. Finally he did, I gave him back his drink, explained he had to stay in the kitchen, and right back into the temper tantrum he went. He got mad when he couldn't go out back to walk the dog.
Khloe just has her random fits, but I usually attribute that to her acid re-flux acting up and bothering her. There really isn't much I can do for her, and I feel bad, but it can be so exhausting and heart breaking. I wish I could help her, the medications only do so much. Luckily she will be going back to Hopkins within the month for another follow up.
I think I'm honestly just exhausted. Since Kenny left Caiden's sleep schedule is so bad, he doesn't go to sleep until midnight-1 am, and then I am up late because I still have school work to do. And Khloe wakes up early so I don't get much sleep and it takes its toll on me some days more than others. I think today is one of those days.
And of course I come home and am having computer issues. My computer for the past two days will only start up when it is plugged into the charger, it is under warranty, but it is such a hassle to go out with my two kids to try and get issues addressed. I'm not a happy camper about that. I need a functioning computer to be able to talk to my husband, and I take classes on line. I hope that it's just a bad battery but I have no clue, and with my luck it's probably something that will require my computer to be completely replaced.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now it's starting to storm, so I'm going to hop off of here in case I lose power, then I will really not be happy.
Oh, and be sure to check out my support page for deployments:
http://www.facebook.com/HomefrontSupport
Saturday, August 13, 2011
I will survive
Kenny has been deployed for about 5 months now, and at times it is still hard to believe that we are going through this, it's weird to think of my family continuing on while he isn't around to see it, to be an active part of it. I don't think that feeling will ever change, no matter how far we are in this deployment, no matter how many other deployments we face it will still just never feel right. I know I can handle it, I know that it will eventually come to an end, but it's so hard to realize that today our daughter is 5 months old, and Kenny has only been able to see her for a month out of her life. When he comes home, she will be a year old, or just about, and still, he will have missed 11 months of her life, and not be able to witness her growing up aside from what he sees on a computer. It's really not fair to him,and its not fair to her. Caiden is still confused about Kenny leaving, and I truly feel he is what makes this deployment the hardest. Today Kenny and Caiden got to video chat, and Caiden just kept saying "Come home to me", he wants his daddy, and he can see his daddy, but he wants his daddy home. I always explain to Caiden that daddy is at work.
I try to break the deployment down into weeks, or big events which seems to help the time pass, but it doesn't go fast enough. I am just so ready for it to be over with, I am ready for my life to go on with my family. Im happy this deployment has done a lot for my marriage and shown me how strong our love is, it has shown me that I can conquer anything with my husband, but I still hate it, and wish it were over.
I'm not ready for a breakdown or anything like that, I'm just done with it. I don't like the fact that I will be having family events without a key member of my family being there. Despite how crappy the deployment is, I try to focus on the positives and remind myself every day I am closer to having him back home. My two weeks with Kenny flew by, and its been just under two weeks since he left again and these days are taking forever! Bleh....roughly 7 months to go....let's get time moving please!
I try to break the deployment down into weeks, or big events which seems to help the time pass, but it doesn't go fast enough. I am just so ready for it to be over with, I am ready for my life to go on with my family. Im happy this deployment has done a lot for my marriage and shown me how strong our love is, it has shown me that I can conquer anything with my husband, but I still hate it, and wish it were over.
I'm not ready for a breakdown or anything like that, I'm just done with it. I don't like the fact that I will be having family events without a key member of my family being there. Despite how crappy the deployment is, I try to focus on the positives and remind myself every day I am closer to having him back home. My two weeks with Kenny flew by, and its been just under two weeks since he left again and these days are taking forever! Bleh....roughly 7 months to go....let's get time moving please!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
The obstacle of love
"Distance between two hearts is not an obstacle, rather a beautiful reminder of just how strong true love can be"
I think I've had more than enough of the distance, I have already proven how strong my relationship is, and I am just ready to have my husband home. The time apart really makes me appreciate all of the little obnoxious things that Kenny would always do- the way he would tickle me, just to piss me off, him farting in the car (ok...I don't miss that), him joking with me and finding the humor in almost anything. Hell, I find myself lately needing that sense of humor more than anything, he could ALWAYS help me find the positive, or make a bad situation seem better. Today I was just thinking of him on leave, and the night before he had to go back I got sick. I'm sitting there in the doctors office with a fever, feeling like total shit. And what does my husband do? Grabs his camera and starts taking pictures of us. He makes light of my fever and goes "I got it! You're hot for me!". He is such a dork, he has the strangest sense of humor, and it's something I've come to appreciate the most.
Obviously I have come to more than appreciate how much he helps me with the house and with the kids, but it's all the things I don't think about that I miss the most. I get to hear his sense of humor over the phone and on the computer, but I want it in person.
I'm waiting for me to be back to feeling "normal", where I'm back to how it was a month ago. I can handle doing it on my own, but I am still hating the feeling of being alone. I mean, I never liked it, but I adjusted to it. And now it's back to my house feeling empty, my bed being empty (even with Caiden hogging it), my house just feels so out of balance with Kenny being gone. I don't think the balance will be restored for awhile.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Time Slipped Away
My husband's leave has come and gone; first deployment, first leave. Let me tell you, it is so bittersweet. There is no better feeling than knowing that my husband is home, and that once again my family is whole. But then I have to face reality, it is only a matter of days before my son returns to asking where his dad is, before I am sleeping in a bed with the most important man in my life not next to me where he should be. It was just a matter of time before I would be getting up with Khloe in the middle of the night by myself. The moment he came home, my world was complete, and in a moment my world would shatter again.
I am so happy I had the opportunity to see my husband, for him to see how much Khloe has grown in the 4 months he's been gone, and the joy on our son's face is worth the pain of another good-bye. Those two weeks passed too quick. but they were the best two weeks of my life and I wouldn't trade them for the world. We spent the time together with just our little family, we went camping with his family, we went and spent time with my family. We managed to do a lot during those 2 weeks, and to me the leave was perfect, minus me getting sick.
The wait for him to arrive took forever, I was so anxious to just see him. We honestly didn't wait that long, but to me it was hell. I'm so glad that we were able to record Caiden seeing Kenny for the first time...he was just so happy and it seemed so surreal to him. He couldn't believe that Daddy was really holding him. He was touching his face, and poking him, as if he was wondering "Is it really you?". And we had so much family there to welcome him home.
The good-bye was quick, it was painful, and the hardest thing to do is watch my husband walk away and not run after him and bring him home where he belongs.
4 months down.....8ish to go.....I didn't want July to ever end, now I just want this year to be over!
I am so happy I had the opportunity to see my husband, for him to see how much Khloe has grown in the 4 months he's been gone, and the joy on our son's face is worth the pain of another good-bye. Those two weeks passed too quick. but they were the best two weeks of my life and I wouldn't trade them for the world. We spent the time together with just our little family, we went camping with his family, we went and spent time with my family. We managed to do a lot during those 2 weeks, and to me the leave was perfect, minus me getting sick.
The wait for him to arrive took forever, I was so anxious to just see him. We honestly didn't wait that long, but to me it was hell. I'm so glad that we were able to record Caiden seeing Kenny for the first time...he was just so happy and it seemed so surreal to him. He couldn't believe that Daddy was really holding him. He was touching his face, and poking him, as if he was wondering "Is it really you?". And we had so much family there to welcome him home.
The good-bye was quick, it was painful, and the hardest thing to do is watch my husband walk away and not run after him and bring him home where he belongs.
4 months down.....8ish to go.....I didn't want July to ever end, now I just want this year to be over!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Taking A Stand
I am a firm believer that God does not give you more than you can handle. I've learned that very rarely is life easy, and when things get hard you can go one of two ways- You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself and play victim, or you can pick yourself up and allow your struggles to motivate you.
Each day I find more strength in myself. At the end of everyday I realize I have survived one more day of deployment, and I am one day closer to seeing my husband again. I decided before this deployment started to take advantage of it, and do what I do best- meet my new challenge and find a way to improve myself from it. That's why I decided to volunteer for FRG. I went from not even knowing about FRG to becoming the lead volunteer, I didn't just want to survive a deployment, I wanted to play a role in it.
Now, at times I feel I have stretched myself too thin, so I have to step back and try to relax (My definition of relaxing is watching Spongebob with my son), but I never let my life get the best of me. Every struggle I have ever faced has given me more strength, and I feel this deployment has given me the most strength so far. I hope that those who read this and are going through a deployment can do the same.
I absolutely hate being away from my husband, I hate listening to Caiden cry for his daddy, I hate Khloe not knowing her dad, I hate being alone and I hate having to figure out life with two kids by myself, but I do it all knowing that I have a husband to be proud of and knowing that this will in some odd way help me as a person, as a wife, and as a mother. I have learned not everyone can live the military lifestyle, it requires so much strength, patience, and understanding. We all know our soldiers are self-less, they sacrifice so much, but the family members who stand behind the soldier and support them do the same.
Each day I find more strength in myself. At the end of everyday I realize I have survived one more day of deployment, and I am one day closer to seeing my husband again. I decided before this deployment started to take advantage of it, and do what I do best- meet my new challenge and find a way to improve myself from it. That's why I decided to volunteer for FRG. I went from not even knowing about FRG to becoming the lead volunteer, I didn't just want to survive a deployment, I wanted to play a role in it.
Now, at times I feel I have stretched myself too thin, so I have to step back and try to relax (My definition of relaxing is watching Spongebob with my son), but I never let my life get the best of me. Every struggle I have ever faced has given me more strength, and I feel this deployment has given me the most strength so far. I hope that those who read this and are going through a deployment can do the same.
I absolutely hate being away from my husband, I hate listening to Caiden cry for his daddy, I hate Khloe not knowing her dad, I hate being alone and I hate having to figure out life with two kids by myself, but I do it all knowing that I have a husband to be proud of and knowing that this will in some odd way help me as a person, as a wife, and as a mother. I have learned not everyone can live the military lifestyle, it requires so much strength, patience, and understanding. We all know our soldiers are self-less, they sacrifice so much, but the family members who stand behind the soldier and support them do the same.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Keep Calm
For my birthday I was able to pick out some presents, I got an "Army Wife" charm bracelet, and a necklace with the saying "Keep Calm and Carry On". That necklace is the best way to sum up my life. I absolutely hate the situation I am in, anyone who likes deployments has no business being in a military relationship. However, I do everything I can to prevent the stress from getting to me. My life is not easy, it is not perfect, and though I can't change my situation, I can do my best to manage, everyday I must "Keep calm and carry on" no matter what life is throwing at me.
I personally feel as I have been doing well keeping up lifes curves and I've had quite a few thrown at me in the few months Kenny has been deployed, but I have faith in myself that I will be able to continue keeping a level head until this deployment is over. It seems as if everyday life throws me a new challenge, Caiden recently had strep throat, and at the same time we had just found out that he has some contagious skin virus that can take a year to actually go away. Khloe's health issues are an on-going issue, and after her appointment at John Hopkins I am hoping that the new solutions they gave her will help her, but in a couple weeks we will see if improvements are being made. And then of course there is the drama that has entailed, but I'm making a personal choice to distance myself from it. I'm tired of hearing negative things people say about me, and if no one has the audacity to say it to my face it's not worth the second thought. I have so much other stuff I need to focus on then opinions I can't change. The one thing I can honestly say is that there is never a dull moment in my life, but it at least keeps me busy.
I'm taking a few days and going with my family to their camper and I'm hoping to get some what of a break, and take the opportunity to once again get ahead on school work. Kenny comes home in a couple of weeks so I don't want to worry about falling behind with my classwork. Eventually I will learn how to take my down time and relax, but for now school work and house work take priority.
I''ll look at the bright side, only 9 months(ish) til the hubby comes home!
I personally feel as I have been doing well keeping up lifes curves and I've had quite a few thrown at me in the few months Kenny has been deployed, but I have faith in myself that I will be able to continue keeping a level head until this deployment is over. It seems as if everyday life throws me a new challenge, Caiden recently had strep throat, and at the same time we had just found out that he has some contagious skin virus that can take a year to actually go away. Khloe's health issues are an on-going issue, and after her appointment at John Hopkins I am hoping that the new solutions they gave her will help her, but in a couple weeks we will see if improvements are being made. And then of course there is the drama that has entailed, but I'm making a personal choice to distance myself from it. I'm tired of hearing negative things people say about me, and if no one has the audacity to say it to my face it's not worth the second thought. I have so much other stuff I need to focus on then opinions I can't change. The one thing I can honestly say is that there is never a dull moment in my life, but it at least keeps me busy.
I'm taking a few days and going with my family to their camper and I'm hoping to get some what of a break, and take the opportunity to once again get ahead on school work. Kenny comes home in a couple of weeks so I don't want to worry about falling behind with my classwork. Eventually I will learn how to take my down time and relax, but for now school work and house work take priority.
I''ll look at the bright side, only 9 months(ish) til the hubby comes home!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Must I Always Be Waiting on You?
The days for Kenny's r&r are getting closer and closer. Needless to say, each day is bringing more and more anticipation. It is a tease to know he is so close to coming home, but it still seems forever away. I feel like such a dork, I have a countdown on my phone any everything, but it helps to pass the time and it gives me something to look forward to. Every time I look at my phone, I see how close I am to having him home, even if it's only temporary, I absolutely love having that to look forward to.
I wasn't sure if I should let Caiden know his daddy is coming home, and I've decided not to until we are on our way to the air port to get him. Since he is too young to understand the concept of time, it will just confuse him more. But I am so looking forward to the excitement on Caiden's face when he gets to see his daddy. Just thinking about it makes me happy.
This past Saturday the kids and I went to Kenny's armory for family day. It was weird being there, I've never attended family day without Kenny, and there aren't many soliders there now. It was completely different than what I'm use to seeing. There was one other deployed family member that attended, which was awesome, and it gave me and her a chance to really sit down and talk, and it felt good to be able to do that. Although I do FRG so I email family members back and forth a lot it's completely different to be able to have a discussion face to face and really just talk everything out, and it was a relief to be able to do that. The biggest advantage was Caiden got to spend the day running around like the psychotic 2 yr old he is, and burned a lot of energry....made an easier day for mommy, so I can't complain on that one. All in all, I feel family day was a success, but I'm so glad the planning for it is over with!
I have been busting my ass with my school work, and I have successfully finished the first portion of my schooling, I am just waiting on my final grade before I move on to the second half. I previewed the work I'm going to be doing, and it is A LOT more than what I had in the first half, but I know I can accomplishs it, I just need to pace myself amd not try to rush the process. I'm glad I was able to get as far as I have already in just a matter of a couple of months.
I do know that when Kenny comes home on r&r, I will not be focusing on school work, I will only use facebook to upload my daily pictures of the kids, and I will be on an FRG hiatus (or I'll just deal with FRG late at night if I start to get the emails). I'm taking a break from everything and focusing on my family, and that's it. So to be blunt, everyone else will just kiss my ass. =)
I wasn't sure if I should let Caiden know his daddy is coming home, and I've decided not to until we are on our way to the air port to get him. Since he is too young to understand the concept of time, it will just confuse him more. But I am so looking forward to the excitement on Caiden's face when he gets to see his daddy. Just thinking about it makes me happy.
This past Saturday the kids and I went to Kenny's armory for family day. It was weird being there, I've never attended family day without Kenny, and there aren't many soliders there now. It was completely different than what I'm use to seeing. There was one other deployed family member that attended, which was awesome, and it gave me and her a chance to really sit down and talk, and it felt good to be able to do that. Although I do FRG so I email family members back and forth a lot it's completely different to be able to have a discussion face to face and really just talk everything out, and it was a relief to be able to do that. The biggest advantage was Caiden got to spend the day running around like the psychotic 2 yr old he is, and burned a lot of energry....made an easier day for mommy, so I can't complain on that one. All in all, I feel family day was a success, but I'm so glad the planning for it is over with!
I have been busting my ass with my school work, and I have successfully finished the first portion of my schooling, I am just waiting on my final grade before I move on to the second half. I previewed the work I'm going to be doing, and it is A LOT more than what I had in the first half, but I know I can accomplishs it, I just need to pace myself amd not try to rush the process. I'm glad I was able to get as far as I have already in just a matter of a couple of months.
I do know that when Kenny comes home on r&r, I will not be focusing on school work, I will only use facebook to upload my daily pictures of the kids, and I will be on an FRG hiatus (or I'll just deal with FRG late at night if I start to get the emails). I'm taking a break from everything and focusing on my family, and that's it. So to be blunt, everyone else will just kiss my ass. =)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Updates
Dealing with a deployment is hard in itself; Add children into the mix and most days can become so frustrating or seem to take forever to pass. I was always given the advice to keep busy and it will help the time pass. With the two kids, I am always busy, but time seems to be going slower. It doesn't help that Khloe keeps having health issues, in the 3 months she has been around she has been to the ER 3 times, all for eating issues. I have an appointment with a pediatric GI on June 28th because I don't feel what's going on is normal and no doctors can give me satisfying answers. The recent changes made her worse, the formula didn't help, so I made my own decision and switched her back to her old one. So far it seems to be working better, but I still feel she needs to be seen by a specialist. It's better to be safe than sorry.
I want Kenny home everyday, but with all of the issues Khloe has it really makes me want him home, she needs both of her parents and I need the support of my husband. I wasn't counting on all of this to deal with, especially during the deployment, but such is life. I hope to get some answers on the 28th, and until then I will take it day by day.
Caiden is doing well. I feel bad for him, as Khloe's needs increase, the attention he gets decreases, but he seems to be patient. He is usually Mr. Independent and only cares about watching Spongebob so I don't think he notices. He's becoming such a little man already, he always tries to help with Khloe and wants to help me, he is so sweet, but so rotten. You just can't help but love him.
Kenny comes home next month for his r&r, and I am so looking forward to seeing him. I'm not looking forward to the return, but once he comes home all I'm going to care about is the fact that my family will be back together. I can't wait! It's taking forever to get here; but it's going to pass so quick. Hopefully all the doctors appointments will be squared away by then so I can just enjoy my time with him as much as possible. The night before he comes in, I'm probably going to get no sleep from being so excited.
That's all for now, I've been slacking on school work. I gotta get the ball rolling!
I want Kenny home everyday, but with all of the issues Khloe has it really makes me want him home, she needs both of her parents and I need the support of my husband. I wasn't counting on all of this to deal with, especially during the deployment, but such is life. I hope to get some answers on the 28th, and until then I will take it day by day.
Caiden is doing well. I feel bad for him, as Khloe's needs increase, the attention he gets decreases, but he seems to be patient. He is usually Mr. Independent and only cares about watching Spongebob so I don't think he notices. He's becoming such a little man already, he always tries to help with Khloe and wants to help me, he is so sweet, but so rotten. You just can't help but love him.
Kenny comes home next month for his r&r, and I am so looking forward to seeing him. I'm not looking forward to the return, but once he comes home all I'm going to care about is the fact that my family will be back together. I can't wait! It's taking forever to get here; but it's going to pass so quick. Hopefully all the doctors appointments will be squared away by then so I can just enjoy my time with him as much as possible. The night before he comes in, I'm probably going to get no sleep from being so excited.
That's all for now, I've been slacking on school work. I gotta get the ball rolling!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My life
Well, I don't make a point to go out much and actually talk about things that happen in my life, and I've decided to just go ahead and put myself out there. Those who care enough either ask, or will take the few extra minutes to check in on me as I express myself.
I guess I should start with the obvious, the "D" word, Deployment. Let me just say, it's not anything like I expected, and as much as I thought I prepared myself for it, I wasn't as ready as I anticipated. It sucks, and it sucks a lot. I love the fact that I get to talk to Kenny as much as I do, but video chats are such a tease, it is torture to see my husband but know that he is miles away. And then you have to add on to the fact that it is so hard for Caiden to understand, a two year old doesn't get the concept and I don't expect him to. It breaks my heart to see my baby boy sad, he wants his daddy and he can't have him. And then when you think about Khloe, and Kenny. These kids absoultely break my heart during this. Kenny is by far Caiden's best friend, and Khloe is going the first year of her life not knowing her daddy, and within that year Kenny is going to miss so much. Nothing I could do could prepare me for the pain my children endure, the pain my husband endures and the emotional burdens I face myself. Mentally, I thought I was ready for this, emotionally I definitely wasn't. I know how to "make do" in my situation, I take everything day by day, and I deal with the issues as they come, but it's hard to know when I lay down at night I will wake up again to the same thing, two babies, no husband, temper tantrums, bills, health issues, the list of things I face on a daily basis seems never ending. No matter what, I remain strong, I have to be for my kids, for my husband, for my relationship, I over come each day a stronger person but it is still so hard. What makes it worse not knowing many people in my situation, I have met more through my husbands company, but it's weird to know that in this situation the friends that I have always been able to count on, can't completely be there for me because they don't know and they don't understand. Don't get me wrong, they come over, they help with the kids, they let me vent (which is great, God knows I need it sometimes), but they don't get me in my situation. I am fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they step up where they can, they're helping us pay for Kenny's flight home for r&r, and I don't ever think I could really show them how thankful I am for that. I guess that's all for now, Khloe is crying, it's time for mommy duties again.
I guess I should start with the obvious, the "D" word, Deployment. Let me just say, it's not anything like I expected, and as much as I thought I prepared myself for it, I wasn't as ready as I anticipated. It sucks, and it sucks a lot. I love the fact that I get to talk to Kenny as much as I do, but video chats are such a tease, it is torture to see my husband but know that he is miles away. And then you have to add on to the fact that it is so hard for Caiden to understand, a two year old doesn't get the concept and I don't expect him to. It breaks my heart to see my baby boy sad, he wants his daddy and he can't have him. And then when you think about Khloe, and Kenny. These kids absoultely break my heart during this. Kenny is by far Caiden's best friend, and Khloe is going the first year of her life not knowing her daddy, and within that year Kenny is going to miss so much. Nothing I could do could prepare me for the pain my children endure, the pain my husband endures and the emotional burdens I face myself. Mentally, I thought I was ready for this, emotionally I definitely wasn't. I know how to "make do" in my situation, I take everything day by day, and I deal with the issues as they come, but it's hard to know when I lay down at night I will wake up again to the same thing, two babies, no husband, temper tantrums, bills, health issues, the list of things I face on a daily basis seems never ending. No matter what, I remain strong, I have to be for my kids, for my husband, for my relationship, I over come each day a stronger person but it is still so hard. What makes it worse not knowing many people in my situation, I have met more through my husbands company, but it's weird to know that in this situation the friends that I have always been able to count on, can't completely be there for me because they don't know and they don't understand. Don't get me wrong, they come over, they help with the kids, they let me vent (which is great, God knows I need it sometimes), but they don't get me in my situation. I am fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they step up where they can, they're helping us pay for Kenny's flight home for r&r, and I don't ever think I could really show them how thankful I am for that. I guess that's all for now, Khloe is crying, it's time for mommy duties again.
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