Keep Calm

For my birthday I was able to pick out some presents, I got an "Army Wife" charm bracelet, and a necklace with the saying "Keep Calm and Carry On".  That necklace is the best way to sum up my life.  I absolutely hate the situation I am in, anyone who likes deployments has no business being in a military relationship.  However, I do everything I can to prevent the stress from getting to me. My life is not easy, it is not perfect, and though I can't change my situation, I can do my best to manage, everyday I must "Keep calm and carry on" no matter what life is throwing at me.

I personally feel as I have been doing well keeping up lifes curves and I've had quite a few thrown at me in the few months Kenny has been deployed, but I have faith in myself that I will be able to continue keeping a level head until this deployment is over. It seems as if everyday life throws me a new challenge, Caiden recently had strep throat, and at the same time we had just found out that he has some contagious skin virus that can take a year to actually go away.  Khloe's health issues are an on-going issue, and after her appointment at John Hopkins I am hoping that the new solutions they gave her will help her, but in a couple weeks we will see if improvements are being made. And then of course there is the drama that has entailed, but I'm making a personal choice to distance myself from it.  I'm tired of hearing negative things people say about me, and if no one has the audacity to say it to my face it's not worth the second thought.  I have so much other stuff I need to focus on then opinions I can't change.  The one thing I can honestly say is that there is never a dull moment in my life, but it at least keeps me busy.

I'm taking a few days and going with my family to their camper  and I'm hoping to get some what of a break, and take the opportunity to once again get ahead on school work. Kenny comes home in a couple of weeks so I don't want to worry about falling behind with my classwork.  Eventually I will learn how to take my down time and relax, but for now school work and house work take priority.

I''ll look at the bright side, only 9 months(ish) til the hubby comes home!

Must I Always Be Waiting on You?

The days for Kenny's r&r are getting closer and closer.  Needless to say, each day is bringing more and more anticipation.  It is a tease to know he is so close to coming home, but it still seems forever away.  I feel like such a dork, I have a countdown on my phone any everything, but it helps to pass the time and it gives me something to look forward to.  Every time I look at my phone, I see how close I am to having him home, even if it's only temporary, I absolutely love having that to look forward to.

I wasn't sure if I should let Caiden know his daddy is coming home, and I've decided not to until we are on our way to the air port to get him.  Since he is too young to understand the concept of time, it will just confuse him more.  But I am so looking forward to the excitement on Caiden's face when he gets to see his daddy.  Just thinking about it makes me happy.

This past Saturday the kids and I went to Kenny's armory for family day.  It was weird being there, I've never attended family day without Kenny, and there aren't many soliders there now.  It was completely different than what I'm use to seeing.  There was one other deployed family member that attended, which was awesome, and it gave me and her a chance to really sit down and talk, and it felt good to be able to do that.  Although I do FRG so I email family members back and forth a lot it's completely different to be able to have a discussion face to face and really just talk everything out, and it was a relief to be able to do that.  The biggest advantage was Caiden got to spend the day running around like the psychotic 2 yr old he is, and burned a lot of energry....made an easier day for mommy, so I can't complain on that one. All in all, I feel family day was a success, but I'm so glad the planning for it is over with!

I have been busting my ass with my school work, and I have successfully finished the first portion of my schooling, I am just waiting on my final grade before I move on to the second half.  I previewed the work I'm going to be doing, and it is A LOT more than what I had in the first half, but I know I can accomplishs it, I just need to pace myself amd not try to rush the process.  I'm glad I was able to get as far as I have already in just a matter of a couple of months. 

I do know that when Kenny comes home on r&r, I will not be focusing on school work, I will only use facebook to upload my daily pictures of the kids, and I will be on an FRG hiatus (or I'll just deal with FRG late at night if I start to get the emails).  I'm taking a break from everything and focusing on my family, and that's it.  So to be blunt, everyone else will just kiss my ass.  =) 

Updates

Dealing with a deployment is hard in itself; Add children into the mix and most days can become so frustrating or seem to take forever to pass.  I was always given the advice to keep busy and it will help the time pass.  With the two kids, I am always busy, but time seems to be going slower.  It doesn't help that Khloe keeps having health issues, in the 3 months she has been around she has been to the ER 3 times, all for eating issues.  I have an appointment with a pediatric GI on June 28th because I don't feel what's going on is normal and no doctors can give me satisfying answers.  The recent changes made her worse, the formula didn't help, so I made my own decision and switched her back to her old one.  So far it seems to be working better, but I still feel she needs to be seen by a specialist.  It's better to be safe than sorry. 
I want Kenny home everyday, but with all of the issues Khloe has it really makes me want him home, she needs both of her parents and I need the support of my husband.  I wasn't counting on all of this to deal with, especially during the deployment, but such is life.  I hope to get some answers on the 28th, and until then I will take it day by day.
Caiden is doing well. I feel bad for him, as Khloe's needs increase, the attention he gets decreases, but he seems to be patient.  He is usually Mr. Independent and only cares about watching Spongebob so I don't think he notices.  He's becoming such a little man already, he always tries to help with Khloe and wants to help me, he is so sweet, but so rotten.  You just can't help but love him.
Kenny comes home next month for his r&r, and I am so looking forward to seeing him.  I'm not looking forward to the return, but once he comes home all I'm going to care about is the fact that my family will be back together.  I can't wait! It's taking forever to get here; but it's going to pass so quick.  Hopefully all the doctors appointments will be squared away by then so I can just enjoy my time with him as much as possible.  The night before he comes in, I'm probably going to get no sleep from being so excited.

That's all for now, I've been slacking on school work. I gotta get the ball rolling!

Distance

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

It's amazing how much truth you can find behind a simple quote.  "Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold", a deployment is not something every person, or every relationship can endure.  Some spouses find it apporpriate to cheat, lie, some can't handle the time apart, the loneliness.  In order to survive a deployment, you have to remain strong, your relationship, your feelings, all have to remain strong.  It's not easy to do when there are so many miles apart, but a deployment is the true test of a relationship.  It's when you have to put the most effort into making a relationship work, with someone you see so little.  I have faith in myself, and my relationship, and I know that this is something myself, my husband, and our children can survive.  No, it isn't easy, it never is, but it's the life we have. 

I miss my husband every day, so do our children,  but I can lay my head down at night knowing that I am proud of my husband, and I wake up having pride in myself.  I know not every woman can handle the situation I am in, I try to make my best out of a unpleasant (to say the least) situation.  When I get stressed out thinking of how much I have on my plate, that's when I take the time to think of everything my husband is missing, the sacrifices he is making for our family.  And that is how I keep our relationship strong, I don't pity myself, I learn to appreciate my situation. 

I know that in 10 months or so from now, when my husband comes home, we won't have the same relationship we did before his deployment, we will have a much stronger bond with one another, a deeper appreciation for one another, and more patience.  I have not, and never will fear this deployment, instead I will continue to use it to my advantage.

"It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love."

I have learned the time together is bittersweet.  We were fortunate to see my husband one more time before he deployed, for four days.  I loaded up the kids and drove the long distance to see him, and I wouldn't have traded that time for the world.  I loved the chance to see him again, for him to see our children, but I knew our time was limited. Still I couldn't let the thought of another good-bye being a few days away ruin my time with him, I took advantage of it, and I savored every moment, just as I will when he comes home for r&r.  The way I see it, every second matters when we are reunited with him, I can't afford to spend a second worrying about the negatives and the future good-bye, I had to focus on the present.  Those 4 days went by too fast, but in the two months he has been gone, those were the best 4 days of my life.

"It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

I don't need to see my husband everyday to know that he is the one for me, the way I feel when we video chat, when we just chat on the computer, the random e-mails and letters prove to me that he is the one and only for me.  Now of course I would love nothing more than to see him everyday, or more than just a few weeks out of a year, but the time apart does not and never will question my love for him.  I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, who is the biggest kid I know, my best friend, my support system, the father to my children. He knows how to remain a husband, how to make me feel special and how to be there for our children despite the distance between us.  I loved him before this deployment, I will love him through it, and I will continue to love him after it.

My life

Well, I don't make a point to go out much and actually talk about things that happen in my life, and I've decided to just go ahead and put myself out there.  Those who care enough either ask, or will take the few extra minutes to check in on me as I express myself.
I guess I should start with the obvious, the "D" word, Deployment.  Let me just say, it's not anything like I expected, and as much as I thought I prepared myself for it, I wasn't as ready as I anticipated.  It sucks, and it sucks a lot.  I love the fact that I get to talk to Kenny as much as I do, but video chats are such a tease, it is torture to see my husband but know that he is miles away.  And then you have to add on to the fact that it is so hard for Caiden to understand, a two year old doesn't get the concept and I don't expect him to.  It breaks my heart to see my baby boy sad, he wants his daddy and he can't have him.  And then when you think about Khloe, and Kenny.  These kids absoultely break my heart during this.  Kenny is by far Caiden's best friend, and Khloe is going the first year of her life not knowing her daddy, and within that year Kenny is going to miss so much.  Nothing I could do could prepare me for the pain my children endure, the pain  my husband endures and the emotional burdens I face myself.  Mentally, I thought I was ready for this, emotionally I definitely wasn't.  I know how to "make do" in my situation, I take everything day by day, and I deal with the issues as they come, but it's hard to know when I lay down at night I will wake up again to the same thing, two babies, no husband, temper tantrums, bills, health issues, the list of things I face on a daily basis seems never ending.  No matter what, I remain strong, I have to be for my kids, for my husband, for my relationship, I over come each day a stronger person but it is still so hard.  What makes it worse not knowing many people in my situation, I have met more through my husbands company, but it's weird to know that in this situation the friends that I have always been able to count on, can't completely be there for me because they don't know and they don't understand.  Don't get me wrong, they come over, they help with the kids, they let me vent (which is great, God knows I need it sometimes), but they don't get me in my situation.  I am fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they step up where they can, they're helping us pay for Kenny's flight home for r&r, and I don't ever think I could really show them how thankful I am for that.   I guess that's all for now, Khloe is crying, it's time for mommy duties again.