Σ 'αγαπώ

It has been 2 1/2 months since my Yaya passed.  I still think about her all the time, and losing her still weighs very heavy on my heart.  I drive past her house and see road work, and I laugh to myself, thinking of how crazy she would be going seeing the roads in front of her house being tore up.  I look back at pictures of her, and see her bright smile; I don't think I've ever seen one without her looking radiant.  Even looking through my wedding photos, my Yaya was losing her memory, and she wasn't sure who I was, yet I have this wonderful picture of myself and my Yaya, and there is nothing but pure joy on her face.  The same woman standing beside me in the photo looks so happy, so proud, yet an hour before she walked into a wedding of people she didn't even know.  


I truly believe that she was someone that can never be replaced.  She was the keeper of the goodie closet, the woman who forced you to eat, no matter how full you were..hell, if you told her you were allergic to nuts she would still hand you baklava.  She was the woman who you would never hear yell, until someone crossed her family.  She was a wife absolutely devoted to her husband, a mother devoted to her children, and an Yaya who adored all her grandkids.


I have so many wonderful years of memories of her, and even when she began to lose her memory, I was able to at least have some funny stories.  


I came across this quote- "May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand"

I can't believe how fitting that is for her. She was at peace despite the daily confusion, I can't even imagine how she felt on a daily basis, where family were strangers to her, yet she was still always Yaya.  My mom told me one of her last memories of my Yaya is her giving my mom kisses, a non-stop love and admiration to my mom.  A loving mother, wife, and Yaya to the end.  

I am rambling it seems, but I am still all over the place when I think about her.  For years we knew that the Alzheimer's would take her, before she passed we knew to expect it, but it is nothing I could ever prepare myself for.  The night my Yaya passed I left work early, I wanted to go see her, not knowing if I would be able to see her again.  I decided that I couldn't handle saying good bye, and I didn't go.  I ended up on my way to the hospital that night, and was never able to say good bye.  Though I have so many wonderful memories of her, the last time I saw her alive, will always break my heart, and knowing that I bailed out on my last chance to see her...I can't even begin to explain how that feels.  

To my Yaya, Σ 'αγαπώ. I love you.

Slacking

Well, I have neglected this blog for awhile. Maybe it's time to start this thing up again, and get back to writing as "me" time.

Since the last blog, hubberdoodles has come home. (Yeah, that's right, fuck you deployment), I've gone back to work, and although I don't like being away from my babies, it's nice to have my sanity return.

Life is still insane, I rarely get a moment to myself.  Even with Kenny home, my life is crazy, and let's face it, my life will always be crazy.  I have learned that with Kenny gone, life is crazy, and with Kenny home, my life is crazy.  At this point I know that the concept of "me" time is almost non-existent, but I can't imagine my life with dull moments.

I realize I gave up my sanity when I chose to become a parent, I gave up my sanity when I married someone who has to put his career first (because, well, we don't have a say in what comes first with the military).  When Kenny was deployed my life wasn't any more hectic than it normally would have been, it just felt that way because I didn't have the opportunity to hand Khloe off and say "This nasty diaper is yours", I didn't have him to run behind picking up one kids mess while I went after the other.  The reality is, I have an absolutely crazy 3 year old boy, who will always have more energy than I do, and I have a 15 month old who loves attention, wants to play, and will never be able to get enough attention.  In between that, I have dogs who like to annoy the shit out of me while I sleep, and a husband who still needs attention from his wife.  

My life is absolute insanity, it is filled with moments where I think to myself "What the fuck", but it is my life.  And I love every crazy moment of it....ok, well maybe not every moment, but like 90% of it.